Can A Separation Save My Marriage?!

“I did NOT sign up for this!” Does this phrase resonate as a constant voice in a person’s mind? One may even question where did the Marital Bliss go. Marriage can be so fulfilling! However, for some it has brought great challenges. Sometimes marriage may reach a point where the love seems to be a distant memory. The days of sitting with excitement waiting for the love of your life to call or come home so that you can greet him/her with loving arms and a passionate kiss have been replaced with anxiety and stomach cramps at the thought of having to be in the same space as the person with whom you once were in love. You cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel and divorce has become a very close reality.

But, why do many skip “separation” and go straight to divorce? It is because married couples have been separating in a non-

productive manner that has given “separation” in relation to marriages a very poor and scary reputation. Many couples who

have tried separation do so with the intent of taking a “breather” and then getting back together. However, many couples are separating and “Living Their Best Life!” as if they are not married, and using separation more as a hall pass rather than a time out to think, regroup, and repair. Then, when individuals within the marriage have gone through all the phases that come with love and heartbreak, they may have done so much damage that the original reason for separating has now given way to more unnecessary problems, which may include resorting to passivity and aggression. Moreover, when couples consider separation, they may have arrived at a successful solution to save their marriage. One may ask, “how is this possible?” Let us think about this consideration.

There are many couples that may seek counseling, remain in the same home, and evolve to rebuild a stronger and happier

marriage. However, there are some marriages where the communication and environment created have become so toxic and

unproductive, that physical separation is imperative. But, this temporary living apart doesn’t have to mean a permanent

separation by which divorce is the only option.

Separating but remaining within the same environment may be extremely challenging. The two individuals either do not have

the communication and collaboration skills necessary to even begin the healing and repairing journey. Perhaps the anger is so

intense that they are unable to come to terms with working to unite. Although they may have moments where there appears

to be peace, they may be quickly besieged with the more consistent and prominent routine of chaos, discord, and misery.

There are some key rules and strategies a couple can follow if the intent is to try to maintain their marriage by rebuilding the

foundation and union from the inside out.

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CHOOSE A TEMPORARY RESIDENCE THAT IS NOT 100% COMFORTABLE

Often times when couples separate, they either purchase or obtain a long term lease at a usually nice, comfortable

apartment, condo, or town-home. Experiencing such comfortable style of living...., who would want to leave it?! Setting yourself up

for such comfort predisposes you to establish the life of someone who is single. In truth, you are still married with the intent of uniting again!

The thing is this. During the season of heartbreak and heartache with the persons that we love, we go through phases. These

phases may begin with anger. So, of course the single life reminder of coming home to “peace and quiet,” eating what we

want, going where we want when we choose, and basically living a life without having to consider the thoughts and feelings

of others unless we want to, is a breath of fresh air that is welcomed in a period where you may have been feeling so

suffocated within the walls of your marriage. Yet, there may come a phase where the true love on which you were founded

again reveals itself. You have gone through the angry phase, the sad phase, the I am moving on phase, the empowered and

personal development phase, and now you are into the heart phase.

This is the phase where in a seemingly perfect world, you would want to be. And if your relationship was founded on real

love for that person, your heart is with that person. However, you have now committed to another bill long-term and may

have even gotten yourself so wrapped up in “Living Single” again, that you have added another level to your already

challenging marriage.

Then, you give pause to questioning if you are not able to secure a long-term lease or purchase, what should you do? My

best advice is to turn to a family or friend with whom you may be able to reside for a short period of time; avoid purchasing

anything, but if you have to resort to a lease, secure a one bedroom with a small square footage for a 6-month lease if the

company does not have a reasonably priced month-to-month leasing contract available. If the proper amount of work is put

in, six months will be the perfect amount of time to rebuild the relationship and transition back into the home.

CHOOSE THE BEST SEPARATION RESIDENCE THAT ALIGNS WITH YOUR PURPOSE

Okay, so what if you have a family member or friend that welcomes you into their guestroom during this period of time? You

may be able to save funds by going into another household rather than having to pay the expenses that come with leasing.

Even though you may contribute to the household, the expenses will be far less. At either rate, you will still have a period of

physical separation that is necessary for the health of your marriage and as individuals.

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As great as this may sound, if it is the wrong person or environment, it can be the nail in the coffin of your marriage.

Why? Let’s take the person first. Perhaps it is your mother—the mother who cannot stand your wife or husband and has been

longing for the day that you all split and they get to have you again, all to themselves! Whoever the person is, you must

ensure that the person, as your family or friend 100% supports you, your spouse, and the reunion of your marriage. Otherwise, it

may forebode that “Divorce is Possible” if you reside with the wrong person!

On the other hand, you also do not want to reside with persons that live a lifestyle that could get you into hot water in your

marriage and make things worse. After all, it is their home and they can continue living their life as they were before you

were there. Thus, if this individual is a single person or party animal who always has gatherings of other single people at the

home, then this environment is not conducive to your goal and could open the door to distractions.

So, again, if you choose to reside with a friend or family member, make sure everyone in that household supports you and

your marriage 100%. These supporters have the potential to be a true asset to the reunion of your marriage. Frequently, it is

other households, particularly those that are married and with children that may offer solutions to some or all of your issues.

HONOR YOUR COMMITMENT

Allowing physical space can be very healing. However, this does not mean ignoring one’s partner. The person is still your

spouse. My advice is to allow at least a week where the permission is to decompress without verbal communication. A nice

morning and good night text should always be present, but the phone conversations the first week should be very minimal to

allow the lessening of anxiety that has been associated with verbal communication. Also, this period of time is not a ticket to

go out and come in at all hours of the night or anything that you would not do or would not want the other to do during this

time. Maintain respect for your union and the other person. You are still married with the intent of returning to each other.

Do not add behaviors that are not conducive to that goal.

DO NOT DATE OR ENTERTAIN OTHER PEOPLE

Speaking of honoring your commitment, honor the faithfulness to each other. The separation is not a hall pass to date other

people. This is a huge mistake many couples make during separation which has given separation such a bad and scary name.

One of the biggest mistakes and distractions you can make during separation is to bring another human being into the

relationship. These persons may be just a distraction, and shame on you for choosing that route rather than face your marital

issues head on.

It is so easy to give into the comfort of the flesh or another person’s affection. However, when that lust has dimmed, you have

either added on having to deal with the emotional ties that you or that person now has, in addition to your spouse, or you

have now added another challenging factor that you and your spouse have to deal with.

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It is just another messy distraction that typically leads to more problems rather than the “prince charming” or “woman of your

dreams” that you may have been longing for, that with some work and effort, more than likely lies already within your spouse.

SEEK WEEKLY COUNSELING

If you could have solved your issues on your own, you would have done it already! Even the best communicator and

reasonable person needs outside professional help when it comes to matters of the heart and navigating through that in the

most productive manner. Oftentimes, the challenges couples face are rooted in the individual’s baggage before you were

ever in the picture. The right counselor will help each individual unveil where their communication and collaboration

challenges are rooted and how to replace that behavior or choices with ones that are more productive for a relationship. My

advice is to interview two to three Marriage and Family Therapists & Counselors that suit you both best. Additionally,

individual counseling time is very important. In the beginning, it may be a challenge to want to go through constant

counseling with your spouse. You will need time for your pain and concerns to be heard before you may be willing to put in

the work required to make your marriage work. Whether your perspective is warranted, misguided, right, or wrong, everyone

deserves the space to be heard without judgment and without interjection of the other person’s perspective. I believe only

then can the work really begin.

Counseling also requires a commitment. Sometimes it can seem like the session was “Team You” and you are excited about

the next week. Then, the next week, it can feel like “Everyone is Against Me”, and now you hate your counselor. But, if you

did your thorough vetting, then more than likely it is not the counselor, but tapping into those challenging truths that we must

face in order to make relationships in general work. They key is professional help and consistency to seek it.

DON’T GIVE UP

Those words speak for themselves. A successful and thriving marriage requires backbone. And maybe you did not know how

strong your backbone had to be in order to inspire your spouse (not try to change him/her) into being the best so that you

and your marriage can thrive together, but it is never too late to start strengthening your own back!

Building a better you is going to benefit more than your marriage. You will see your friendships, professional career,

parenting, and other relationships you have begin to evolve and strengthen as well. Have you ever looked back over a

challenge that you overcame and been proud? Imagine if you and your spouse can look back at the challenges you

overcame and be proud of how strong you were and are, and now can feed into other marriages or soon to be married

couples through your example of resilience and what true love is all about.

You become the example and inspiration so that more marriages can remain Unbroken!

Ask yourself, ”How Strong is My Backbone?”